


When Do I Let Go?

by AnMorrighan



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Loki (Marvel) Needs a Hug, Loss of Faith, Mutual Pining, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Secrets, Thor (Marvel) is a Good Bro
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-28
Updated: 2018-10-28
Packaged: 2019-08-08 17:00:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16433348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnMorrighan/pseuds/AnMorrighan
Summary: Loki and Heimdall escape Thanos' clutches, but have to let the world believe they died by his hand. This leaves you, Loki's lover, devastated after apparently losing him for good. As the pair remain in hiding, Heimdall keeps a close eye on you. He tells Loki how you fair with each passing day, while you try to make a tough decision - either move on, or trust that your Trickster will someday return.





	When Do I Let Go?

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to @intheendyouwillalwayskneel on Tumblr for the request! It's the right amount of pain/fluff that I love to write. Hopefully it meets your expectations! :) I wrote this because I recently hit 1,000 followers on Tumblr and am taking requests as a result, so if anyone has any oneshot ideas, I would love to give them a go! Feel free to send them to me @unofferable-fic on Tumblr if you fancy!  
> As always, feedback is very much appreciated!
> 
> Playlist (https://spoti.fi/2Ma4qke): “Tell Me How” — Paramore, “Still Love” — Great Caesar, “I’m So Lonesome I Could Cry” — Hank Williams

Loki was tired. Gods, was he exhausted with everything.

The last-minute plan had gone down perfectly after Thanos and his entourage had invaded the ship that housed the surviving Asgardians. In the scramble to save as many as they could, Loki had pulled Heimdall aside and hurriedly told him everything he knew about their attacker, and his intentions with the Infinity Stones. He saw it all when the Titan had warped his mind during the attack on New York. The Tesseract allowed him to see futures and worlds of which he had only ever imagined. But now… now he knew what needed to be done, and Heimdall was more than willing to agree. 

He convinced Thor to allow Valkyrie to take off with the surviving Asgardian citizens while the Gatekeeper and the Odinsons would try to stop Thanos in his tracks. Well, that’s what Thor presumed was happening… Loki knew he and Heimdall would have to ‘die’ — it was imperative to the plan that Thor and Thanos both thought they were dead. He didn’t like having to put his brother through the trauma of losing him yet again, but he had no other choice. A convincing illusion would do the job, while he and Heimdall made their own secret escape.

Then there was Y/N. 

As if the pain of lying to Thor wasn’t enough, he had to lie to _her too._ She had been determined to stay by his side — to face the Titan who had tortured him together — but he refused. It was foolish to stay with him, but he supposed that’s what lovers do. She would have stood by him no matter what, which is why Valkyrie had to practically drag her on to one of the escape pods headed to Midgard. She screamed at him, begged him not to leave her, and it tore him apart. He had never been one for grand declarations of affectionate feelings or anything of the sort, but he loved her dearly, and somehow Y/N loved him too.

A year had passed since the event Midgardians called ‘The Snap’ — a year since their heroes had failed them and lost to the Mad Titan. Loki used the term ‘failed’ quite loosely, considering what happened was supposed to happen if that Midgardian sorcerer’s word was anything to go by. Loki and Heimdall remained in hiding with the help of the former’s seiðr, choosing a remote village in Norway as their home. They donned Midgardian clothes and built their own cabin, and Loki took to slightly altering his appearance with magic when out and about in order to avoid drawing any unwanted attention. It seemed an apt location at first, especially when the surviving Asgardians had built their own settlement in the same country. It meant that at least Loki could feel Y/N nearby. Heimdall was always on watch, be it for Thanos, the Avengers, the Asgardians, Thor, or his love. They continued to wait for their moment.

“Thor has found the Asgardian settlement,” Heimdall had said one night when the prince prompted him. It wasn’t long after The Snap then, and Thor had dedicated himself to finding the last of his people. “He does not remain there, but he said he intends to divide his time evenly between being their King and planning something with the remaining Avengers.”

Loki fiddled with his shirt collar before he asked the question to which he so desperately needed answers. “Does she know?”

Heimdall turned his amber eyes to meet his gaze. “Y/N?”

“Does she know? That I am… dead?”

“Thor told her what happened on the ship. She knows of your demise.”

“Is she alright?” 

It was probably a stupid question. He could imagine how she would take such news. It didn’t matter if she were one of the strongest people he had ever met — he genuinely feared how this part of the plan would affect her. He wished on some level that her feelings for him were completely fictitious if it meant that she would go on and live her life without any suffering or struggling.

“She is going through the common motions, I would say,” Heimdall explained, fixing his eyes on an invisible spot in the distance. “She and Thor have found a certain camaraderie in their mourning. They understand each others loss more than others, considering how much they love you.”

Loki continued to ask Heimdall questions about her despite the lump that formed in his throat with each new fact. It became a daily ritual after that, and he would still ask for updates even if nothing of major note occurred. He persisted, and Heimdall was more than happy to oblige. Even still, Y/N grieved for Loki for far longer than he had hoped she would. She struggled to hold yourself together most days and, even though she went about her routine and duties within the settlement, she always seemed to sit alone at dusk and weep for him. Some nights she barely got any sleep. Despite her strength, she had good and bad days, and he heard about them all.

Now, a year on from The Snap, the Trickster was shocked to hear that she had left the Asgardian settlement.

“ _What?”_ he demanded, dropping the food cans he was stacking into the overhead presses with a heavy thunk. He swung around to look at the Gatekeeper, who stood staring out the kitchen window, his face illuminated with the light of the moon as a light rain shower continued to fall from above.

“She wishes to be away from them,” Heimdall elaborated, his lips pulled into a frown. “To live on her own and free of ‘constant reminders of her beloved’.”

Loki had cleared the distance between them in seconds, staring out into the surrounding forests, desperately wishing he could see her as Heimdall could. He couldn’t help the exasperated tone he had while speaking. “Insufferable woman… Why would she leave the safety of the settlement?” He wanted to curse her for her recklessness; to go and drag her back to the settlement himself. “She will be at risk with Thanos still alive!”

“But she will not.” Heimdall pulled his gaze from the distance and gave the prince a look. “As long as you remain hidden, Thanos as no need for her.”

His words were true, and it gave Loki some sense of comfort knowing that she wasn’t a target for the Mad Titan. “I suppose you are right.”

“She will still have Thor as well. You would be a fool to think he will not keep an eye on her.”

“He always was annoyingly nosey… I just never thought I would be _encouraging_ it.”

Heimdall had been right in his assumptions, because even when Y/N had packed up and moved to New York, Thor had checked in on her regularly. Even the fact she had moved to a remote house near the Avengers Compound had been a requirement of her choice to leave Norway. He wanted her nearby just in case anything happened, but Thor’s visits dwindled as his responsibilities with the Asgardians and the Avengers grew. Soon, Loki was hearing from Heimdall that she was indeed all alone in her secluded country house, with nothing but her thoughts and worries for company.

 

* * *

 

You were truly exhausted with it all.

Somehow, you had felt weary every single day for the past year. You couldn’t stick it in the Asgardian settlement, and so you had left. And yet, even in your new home and far from any immortal beings or superheroes, you didn’t feel any better. You had a job serving in a local bar to keep yourself busy and earn some money, but you had yet to accept any invitations from your coworkers to hang out. You would go as far to say that you had no friends in this town.

You sat at your kitchen table, idly stirring a spoon in a cup of hot tea and listening to the the soft country music coming from the radio. You idly tapped your other hand against the table top, and contemplated all that had happened and how you had ended up in this position. You knew what the issue was, but you felt like you were constantly at war with yourself as to what you should do. It was all _his_ fault, that damn Trickster of yours. Even when you had come out of the worst part of mourning, and even when you felt like you were beginning to move on, he would resurface in your thoughts and you would feel as though you could never possibly move on. He held a permanent place in your heart and mind and, when there was nothing to distract you, all of your thoughts reverted back to him. You couldn’t get the image of him as you were pulled on to the escape pod out of your head…

And yet, you knew that one of the reasons why he never left your head or heart was because you didn’t _want_ him to. It felt wrong to forget and move on, but now…

You felt like you had reached your limit with the suffocating hold on your heart that persisted day in and day out. There was one way to loosen the hold — you knew there was — but you weren’t sure if you could bring yourself to do it.

To move on.

It was a constant battle in your mind over the last few months; to let go, or forever hold on to hope?

_Loki always had a habit of coming back after apparently dying,_ you thought to yourself, sipping on the hot beverage. _What if this is one of those times? What if he does come back?_

But what if he didn’t?

You couldn’t live like this forever, living in false hope while Thor and his friends tried to sort out a way to stop the stupid purple _asshole_. God, you really hoped Thor would hurry up and lob his fat head off. You had heard the story of your love’s demise from Thor’s lips. It was the closest you would get to being there yourself.

“I think he might really be gone this time,” the God of Thunder had stated one evening with a heavy heart. “So I think it is about time that you and I accept that.”

With a grumble you stood up and slowly walked over to the kitchen counter. You leaned against it, and raised your head to stare out the window that overlooked the small patch of land surrounding your home. Moving on was probably the sensible thing to do. Most people would call you mad for remaining hopeful that Loki might someday return. His death had hit you hard of course, and there was a hollow feeling in your chest that appeared with his departure. Despite your ability to regain some confidence, some sleep, and some normalcy, you were more than hesitant to forget how you felt for the God of Mischief.

_Yes,_ you decided. _It’s the sensible thing to do._

But you never really were one for doing sensible things. Dating the God of Mischief and Lies was hardly a sensible thing to do in the first place…

Despite everything, like the pain in your chest, and the low feeling that sometimes consumed you on lonely nights such as these, you couldn’t lose faith in Loki. You had to hope that he had something up his sleeve like he usually did, or that the remaining Avengers could somehow bring him back. Yes, it was a risky move, and yes, people would call you a halfwit for doing so, but even now you felt a little lighter having made a decision. Instead of letting go of him, you let go of your fear that he may not return, and put trust in him that he would. A fresh start wasn’t what you were looking for. For you, Loki was all you ever wanted. 

He was _it._

“You better come back, you jerk,” you muttered aloud, eying the glinting stars in the night sky. “Either way, I’ll be here waiting for you.”

You wrapped your arms around yourself, missing the feeling of his comforting embrace in times like these. The song on the radio ended and faded into the next while you stood fixed to the spot, hoping that if he was out there somewhere, he would know that you hadn’t forgotten him. The night was quiet as the full moon shone brightly. The cup of tea sat cold and forgotten, while you vowed to never forget the Trickster God you loved so dearly.

 

* * *

 

“She does not believe you are truly dead, My Prince.”

The words shook Loki more than anything Heimdall has previously uttered. He looked up from the book in his hards — it had barely been holding his attention anyway, but now it had been surely forgotten. They sat together on the back porch of their cabin as they did most evenings, patiently waiting for any sign from Thor or an apparently dead Strange that it was time to set their plan in motion.

“She what?” he whispered, eager to hear his companion explain himself.

“She thinks that you live and she has placed her faith in you that you will someday return to her. It also seems to have brought her some sense of comfort and closure.”

For a moment he said nothing and simply stared ahead of him as he tried to steady the rapid beating of his heart. She always was a stubborn woman and it was apparent that she had not changed in a year either. “What did she say?”

_Gods, I sound like one of those desperate mortal teens asking about their crush…_

“That she will be here waiting for you, and that you are a jerk.”

He chuckled lightly, running his tongue along his bottom lip. “That sounds like her.”

“I think you may have written her off too quickly,” the Watcher of Worlds replied. “She does know you better than most.”

“It was for her own safety,” Loki insisted, got up from his seat, and propped himself against the railing on the edge of the porch. “As long as she does not realise the truth behind her statement, she will remain alive and well.”

Heimdall nodded in agreement before he too stood up and placed a firm hand on the prince’s shoulder. “Well, you may take some comfort knowing that she is waiting for you no matter what may come.” With that, he took his leave and gave Loki a moment alone on the porch.

With a small sigh, Loki fixed his gaze on the night sky, slightly envious that Heimdall could simply look afar and watch her as she went about her day. What he would do to see her without risking her life. If it wasn’t the very thing at stake if he were to see her, he would never leave her side. But he had to remain strong, just as Y/N had done all this time. His companion said that she had found some closure in her decision to place her faith in him, and Loki could feel a small weight lift off his own shoulders upon hearing this news. 

A few years ago, he used to curse the concept of love and how weak it could make him. Now, he had never felt more determined to end this madness if it meant she would be waiting for him when the dust settled and all was well again.

The silence of the night suddenly seemed less ominous than before and the moon shone above him like beacon of hope for the future. The air was cool, and his heart no longer ached with uncertainty. His book lay open and forgotten on the chair.

It had been a long year, but hopefully it would not be much longer before he found his way back to her and held her in his arms again.


End file.
